![]() Just explain what happened, like you did here, and how hurtful this behavior is. Concentrate on what you perceive, your feelings, and don't speculate on what is going on with her. Pick a calm moment to gently have this talk. It feels like you only told her in the moment that she's being mean, when you are down and she's aggravated. That's on me, I have low self-esteem, it's one of the "side-effects", and I'm working on it.įirst, talk about this with your wife when you're both calm and relaxed. ![]() I take things very personally, feel insulted and get defensive. When I tend to be snippy and/or lose patience (like your wife did in the example you provided), it's often because the other person is making me feel dumb. He has a tendency to go quiet and just keep things to himself, I tend to "lash out". Small quirks each of us had got bigger because of that. This was a lot of stress for both of us at the same time, it took a toll on us. Long story short, he lost his job and his savings in a short amount of time, couldn't find a job, fell in a depression I tried to shoulder everything and had the pressure of being the sole provider. We've hit a rough patch the last couple of years. I'm going to add my own two cents because I too recognize myself in your wife. A meeting with a couples therapist or joining a support group for people with a partner with depression might help her. Second, your depression and the possibility that your wife might feel more like a therapist than a partner because of this. has its pitfalls even between two people with the best of intentions, so especially when you are in a bad mood, make an extra effort to take what she says at face value. Now your situation is aggravated by two things:įirst, not living together and the accompanying issue of not always being able to communicate face-to-face. Maybe she needs some time without contact, maybe she needs an hour where she can complain and you just listen. So, in a calm moment, ask her if she has time to talk about this and figure out a way for her to indicate this when it happens and how you will deal with it. So for example if I'm in a mood because of something that happened at work and he comes home complaining about his manager, I will tell him I don't have the energy right now and we will spend some time separately instead of ruining the entire evening by snapping at each other. What has helped for us is me recognizing this and removing myself from the situation to calm down first. So when the two happen to collide, I can be quite snippy. However, when I'm having a bad day myself, I need my energy to face my own issues. On most days, I am more of an optimist, so I can deal with his bad spells and be supportive. While my partner does not suffer from full-on depression/anxiety, he is in general a more pessimistic person. Thoughts how we can communicate through these moments better? ![]() ![]() how am I being mean?” Of course she said that in an unhappy aggravated tone. the fuuullll amount for one weeeekkk.not 2 weeks.why would I pay her for 2.”Īnd me in my sensitive state couldn’t brush that off as easily and it affects me so I told her she was being kinda mean, which made it worse cuz she got defensive and said “no I’m not. Well it’s a 2-week job, so I asked, “why would you pay her the full amount? Isn’t it 2 weeks?” And she responded with an aggravated tone and a sigh and said “no. She’s telling me about how her sister will help her with work for the week, and if she should pay her the “full amount” for the job. She also isn’t the best storyteller so she tends to leave important details out. I have bad cell service at my house so it’s cutting out. I try to be positive, and upbeat to sway the convo. She texted back kinda annoyed “sure.” Now I know it’s a text but on a good day it would have been “ok!!! □□” so it’s obvious with her. Texted her and ask if she wanted to spend the day with me (we’re currently staying in different locations cuz of her job). I woke up depressed, but I attempted to shake it off. My ideal for that situation is she would be able not to be mean, but if she is, she would be able to say “oh no! I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry!” Instead of “no I didn’t! No I’m not! ‘Sigh’ eye-roll” But over time her aggravated, snippy tone gets a bit much and I don’t feel the connectedness I would like. If I step back from the moment I realize I’m extra sensitive, and she’s not all that mean. When these two personality moments collide, I get hurt easily and she then gets defensive as if she’s done nothing wrong when I tell her she was being mean. My wife, like all of us, gets in her own moods, usually slightly aggravated, or snippy, or a little mean. Some days I’m in a low mood and am extra sensitive. Long story short, I have depression/anxiety.
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